Cellulite contouring or spirit crushing?

scary clown faceWith spring suddenly here after snowing just a few weeks back, women in the Midwest are in a desperate panic. It takes a special kind of inner-calm to be thrust into swimsuit season like a bullet out of a battery-operated semi-automatic nerf gun and not completely lose your shit when you walk into Target (for the third time this week) to pick up just one more item, and BAM. There are the swim suits. Just hanging there, laughing at you like that scary clown you are so afraid of you’d still hide behind moms skirt to get away from.

Being the daring person that I am, I decided that while dieting and exercise would be best, I needed the more immediate quick-fix alluded by the fat girl slim lean machine.  The name alone is enough to make a girl swoon. A body contouring, bad-ass machine is what I need! Oh, and it says it’s part of the “Pro Tool Series” so of course it makes much more sense now to fork over $145 to be so high and mighty. Plus it comes with firming-cream? Sign me up!

Bliss product reviewSo let’s talk first about the instructions for use of this contouring, massage (torture) device:

“Get into a comfortable position for your massage treatment (for legs, you may find it easiest to raise each one and prop it up on something) and place the device gently on your skin. Ensure that clothing or long hair does not get caught in the rollers.”

WTF?!? Raise a leg and prop it? Ok that got me a little excited. Let’s just put the hair in a pony tail in case things get wild. Is body contouring a phrase for something kinky that I don’t know about?


“Turn the suction strength dial to a low setting (always begin your massage on this setting), and switch the device to position 1.”

Suction? I suppose a sane person would see this as frightening. I got a little turned on and took it as a dare to try a higher setting right off the bat.


“For legs: Start slowly moving the device up and down along the length of your thigh.”

Yeah. You’re turned on now too, right? Hold you panties on. Keep reading.


“The front roller will produce the optimal speed for moving the device. Continue repeatedly moving the device in this fashion for the duration of the treatment….

“Gradually increase the pulsation frequency setting and suction strength dial to find the most comfortable setting for your massage. If you feel the suction is too strong at any point, press the suction release button to stop it immediately.” 

What the above statements actually mean, and would be much more accurate, is this:

Remember what it’s like to slide down a hot slide with just enough sweat to make your thighs repeatedly stick and un-stick as your momentum skids you down the slide making that suctioning more and more powerful until you can’t even breath due to the excruciating pain? Yeah that.


Sticking a vacuum host to your skin doesn’t event come close to the suction power of this contraption. Maybe if you moved the hose up and down your leg? No.

So does this really work? I don’t know. Does the rack actually make people confess or kill them first? I wouldn’t try that to find out. I returned it after one use realizing that while I didn’t reduce my thigh girth I eventually got a great laugh and superb story material.

Let me know if you have tried it and what were your results?