I’m that bitch who always swipes left. Here’s why…

images (9) Online dating is a total hoot if you take it with a grain of salt and it helps to read “It’s Just A F***ing Date” before you jump in. At least do it with your eyes WIDE open.

I really feel that I could fill a cavernous gap in the online dating profile consultation sector with my witty word-smithing, fashion shoot experience and a bucket of common sense. But I’d make guys cry and that’s just not something you can unsee. There are guys without even a teaspoon of common sense, so inept at courting women that they put it out there for the whole world to guffaw over, with photographic proof!

So yes, I have become that superficial bitch who swipes with only a glance.

Here are just a few of my recent reasons for swiping left:

Sir you have giant a caterpillar on your forehead.

Slender? Your pinky finger isn’t even slender!

You seriously think I’m going to believe you can ride that Harley?

I don’t care what you looked like when you were seven and if I did that be so freakin creepy!

What are you hiding under those sunglasses, yellow cat eyes?

Too many chins.

Hey here’s a cute one…OH DAMN..that sweater is unfortunate.

A photo of you wrestling your drunk friend in the front driveway does not make you athletic.

Please stop doing that to that cat!

Good grief you make over $150,000 per year but you can’t afford a shirt for any of your photos?

So sorry but, neck required.

Are those tassels on your loafers?

Are you wearing eye liner?

Hey neighbor! Does your wife know you’re on here?

Do you even realize you’re holding your crotch in that photo?

Flip-phone selfie?

One word: Manscape!

Change your sheets if you’re going to take a selfie there!

Did your grandma give you those curtains?

Nice wedding ring ass hat.

The 80’s called and wants it’s boom box back.

You wear more jewelry than I do.

Are you pooping?

Yo gangstah is that your mugshot?

Is that a bunk bed?

OMG you live with your Mom!

And these seemed to be of such high caliber douchebaggery I had to show proof:

dating-kissing-note

dating-screenshot-281x500 It really does say this:

“November 15 and 16 in Kansas City on business. Why lie, I’m looking exclusively for sex – and why wouldn’t you swipe right, you’ll never have to worry about hearing from me again – I live on the East Coast”.

What an ass. Too cheap for a hooker?

 

I rest my case.